just like snow
by LacieFuyu
Summary: a drabble; Albus thinking about his feeling about Gellert as the snow fell outside.


People always had regret at some point in their life. He was one of those people.

Ever since that incident, there was nothing could help him rid the regret inside him. If only he could be a better brother, if only he could protect them, if only he could save her, if only he had never fallen in love with _him._

He was young and ambitious. He knew he was drunk by prospect he could do something much better than stay with his family. There was always shame clouded his heart everytime her remembered it. He should love them more, should be more understanding and now he had left without nothing but utter regret and shame for letting everything happen. He hated by his brother, Aberforth and lost his little sister, Ariana.

He was not even sure if it weren't him who killed her. That question still gave him a nightmare; that he was the one who killed her, not Aberforth, not _that person_ , but him.

Meanwhile, Gellert Grindelwald, the person who pulled him into this mess was currently on the loose, spreading his influence through Europe and gaining followers that pulled to his cause. He could imagine Gellert using his silver tongue, using what people had desired to pull them to his side. Just like how he was in the past, pulled by his promise and sweet words; fallen to it without realising what he had done, what he could lose and what he _had_ lost.

And yet, he wondered.

If he had chance tomake it right, would he reject Gellert and his dream and deep inside, even though it scared him, he knew the answer.

The answer was no because he knew if he were to repeat the past, he would once again fell into his charms and sweet words. He knew he was already enchanted by him and would be enchanted by him once more if it were to happen. There was not even a slight doubt in his mind.

Albus Dumbledore was fell in love with Gellert Grindelwald and he knew he had given his heart forever to him. He would never fell in love with any other person except him. Gellert was a beautiful dream, he was the only person that would ever understand him.

That was why it almost scared him. No, it was _really_ scared him.

Despite how deep the scar left into his heart by Gellert's, he couldn't help himself but missing him. He missed his touch, his voice, his rare smile, his mind and his presence beside him. He loved him, _still_ , and he knew it would never cease. The hole in his heart left by Gellert would never be filled by anyone except Gellert.

So he condemned himself, in life where he would never love anyone, never i _n love_ again. He knew this life would leave him in loneliness and yet he couldn't find himself to care about it. If it were his fate, so be it. It wasn't like he deserves happiness and loves after what he did to Ariana. He knew he would never forgive himself for it.

He turned his head to the window of his office, he saw the snow fell outside. He couldn't stop the twitch on his mouth as mind wandered to the past, to the much easier past when he and Gellert were still together before everything when down at his house, before he was the dark wizard that spread terror to muggles and wizards alike.

He remembered how Gellert and him talking about the snow, why snow always made people feel a sense of sadness and even now, Gellert's answer was still clear in his mind as if he was just told by him yesterday. He closed his eyes and let the memories take over him.

" _It's because of their inability to choose, Albus."_

 _Albus raised one of his eyebrows, confusion was dancing in his eyes. Gellert was being cryptid and he really didn't get what he meant which definitely shown on his face because Gellert starts to chuckles and explained it._

" _Snow couldn't choose what they wish to be, are they want to be water or ice since they weren't any of them, a half-ling if you may." He looked up to the sky as he opened his palm, waiting for the snow fell on his hand. He smiled a little at the snow that melting on his palm but it was a wistful one. "See? Even though its melting it was still stubbornly trying to maintain its form, struggling because they latching to both sides. I think people subconsciously feel it and that is why they feel sad when they see snow."_

 _For some reason, there was something more on Gellert's tone, there was something he should realize when he said it but he didn't ask, he wasn't even sure what he was going to ask. Gellert turned to him and smirked._

" _Loving the scenery, Albus?"_

 _Albus puckered his lip as he tried to fight off the blush from his face. He shoved Gellert's shoulder playfully which earned him a series of chuckles. He smiled when he realized he probably the only person that could make Gellert smiled or laughed. He couldn't help be happy about it._

He opened his eyes again and almost smiled. Even though his mind knows that Gellert was his enemy now, someone who would destroy him without even a slight doubt, he couldn't help always feeling nostalgic remembering their past, _worse_ , missing him.

There was a fight between his mind and heart, the one reminded him what Gellert had done to him, caused him to lose his families, his _siblings,_ people he should protect with his life, someone he should love more and the other longing for him, thinking and wishing for his presence again.

Even after the years passed, there was nothing could change his feeling for Gellert. He knew he loved him with everything in his heart. He was in love, _still_ in love with him. Even though there was a shadow of shame and pain linger in heart, in the end, his feeling for him remained the same.

Just like the snow, it was his inability to choose. He didn't want any more people suffered through his love's hands but yet he would, _still_ , _always_ would longing for him. It gave him incredible sadness and he knew he would never the middle ground for his love for Gellert and what he had done.

Albus buried his face on his hand, tried to stop the tears fell on his cheek but he couldn't, so he let it fell freely from his eyes because there was no one to see his despair. He walked to the window, touched the glasses as looked up to the falling snow. He whispered.

"Oh, Gellert. How I miss you despite everything had happened between us."


End file.
